its time to vent

people piss me off.
seriously.
the stupidity of their ignorance.
their total lack of common sense and intelligence.
their fear of not understanding something and turning their fear into distaste.

it makes me sick.

this utter disgust for people has come about through an expression of art known as tattooing.

we were each born into our own bodies.
we don't share with anyone else.
we aren't owned by anyone else.
we are our own person.
with our own opinions, our own perspective and our own free will.

i knew long before anyone else that i seemed to walk with a different stride.
so many times in life i feel like i've been walking against the flow of the religious bullshit i've been surrounded by. (i apologize if the language is a little rough but i just call it as i see it)
in the younger years it was visits to the office. not being sent there but marching in and making my point that some teacher was wrong. or something taught in bible class was against the very person of who God is.
as i got older, it began in the church. meetings with pastors for things that apparently "i didn't understand". me trying to get them to see that it was religion that was the foundation, not God. not love.
the older i get, the more it seems apparent to me.
i'm my own person.
Gods own creation.
unique in every way.
i fight against hate. against those who hate on what they don't understand.
the only thing is ... they don't understand.
as much as i want them to see what i see and feel what it is i feel... no amount of words can do that.

i'm ... as my baby so kindly puts it ... a "tattoo-head".
i love that.

not because it makes me a rebel, or puts in a different class then others but because right now, this is me ... and i'm wearing it on my sleeve.

believe it or not .. going against the grain is hard for me. i'm emotional. it hurts. but its who i am and the only thing that would hurt more ... is denying myself that right.

venting complete.

sometimes

sometimes the best things in life are the hardest.

its been one of those days.
one of the 'tough' days where you dont really understand why it is you do what you do.
why it is you say what you say
why sometimes you feel like you can't control any of them.

its one of those moments where the only thing i can do is sit on the couch, write some nonsense and try to make some sense out of it. try to figure out what it is that is so hard and seemingly 'unattainable'.

its one of those 'beaten down' days. where your self talk is the thing you are fighting.

don't get me wrong i'm not all depressed and feeling like its the end of the world or anything. its just a daily battle that today i'm feeling a little tired to fight.

washleys mamma

we 'soared' together in church today.
and had a good laugh along the way.

thank you washley for having a mamma.

*D*

wheres waldo?

so i've done alot of complaining lately.

first to my nail lady for the crap job on my nails.. they are currently an ugly shade of brown.
i get them fixed today.

then to the brick for the ridiculous lack of communication with the rest of my order being filled.
apparently its coming day. we'll see.

then theres the complaining about life. i drank a bit of wine and apparently phil , if he remembers, will know about this the best. hah. poor phil.

then of course theres the cold. i hate the cold. and yes i know hates a strong word.
thats why i'm using it !

and then, with out fail, there is always money to bitch about. it seems there is never enough. what the frick eh.

so with all that complaining, all that negativity, its time to be a little more positive...

my nails are getting fixed
i have a new bed, sectional and tv (and its huge)
i have a beautiful daughter (you all know this)
i have found the man i love (duh)
its cold but if it were summer... i would be working my ass off again. therefore.. thank God for the cold.
we are able to get married and have no debt because of it.
wedding season is over.
we are booking up for next year.
i have clean under wear in my drawer
so does shana
i found a cereal i love and its healthy
i love peas and brussel sprouts. no joke.
my heart is healthy (one glass of wine a day people)
i had a microscope up my va-jay-jay and i lived to tell about it.
(must have been the picture of the kitty in the hammock on the ceiling that helped me relax. right. wtf.wtf.)
i have friends i can count on through anything.
i know how lucky i am to have that.
i'm pretty screwed up... i just found this out ... which is good cause now i know
i have over 100 earrings. a drawer full of necklaces, an overflowing pashmina rack, a tupperware container full of purses and a closet full of shoes. life is good.
i painted a painting a love... its always a good feeling.
i have a massage on friday. thank God in heaven.

*D*

ever feel ..

like there are so many things you want to say but you just don't know the words to use?

its a little too clean around here ...

time to make some mess.
i'm told this is good for the soul
and its from a very reliable source. :)

so theres these flags in life. sometimes they are hard to distinguish. sometimes they end up just being laundry hanging and blowing in the wind and sometimes they are markers... 'flags' as i call them. these flags can be hints to the direction of your life or they can be reminders of where you have been. sometimes they tell you that you have gone down the wrong road. sometimes they confirm that you are on the right one. and every now and then theres a flag reminding you that you have a choice. you can chose to turn to the right, turn to the left, turn around, or keep on going the way you are going. its those moments that can cause deep reflection.

am i happy where i am going? or was a happier where i was? or maybe there is another road that is better for me.

i have a choice.

i chose to remain on this road, on this path.

*D*

the journey of the soul

so the title sounds like this would be a very 'deep' sort of post.
not so much.
its late... ish ... for a mom...
and as usual i have many thoughts running through my head.

it seems thats how it goes with me. throughout the day i hardly think past my nose but at night i get all intense and contemplative.

so... its night time !

time to share my deepest thoughts. HAH.

there are some things i've admitted to noel lately that have been hard things to acknowledge but i did it and somehow it opened up a whole new level of 'me'.

its this thing called realizing you just could be wrong and the other person just could be right.

so here it goes. my time to admit a few things and let them wonder cyberspace.

i pretty much always think i'm right. i always have. i think i have it all figured out and the world just kind of needs to 'catch up' to me. wow, i sound like a prick. bad choice of words but oh well.

when i have a disagreement i will argue my point to the very end. even if it means pushing away the people or person i love because i AM right and they are ultimately wrong. no matter what. they just may not see it yet. but thats why God put me on this earth, right !?!... so they will see that i know what is best... all the time. ouch. i'm a biatch sometimes.

anyway, its a hard thing to realize that this is how you have lived your life for the most part. thinking that you are always right. its a hard thing to acknowledge for two reasons.
one it makes me look at myself as a self righteous pain in the ass
and two its a hard thing to change

oh and ps. it runs in my family ... HAH

so i'm growing. thats the part about this that is amazing. i'm not the same. each day i'm trying a little harder. doing things a little different. thinking things through a little more.

i won't stay the same for long... ever. because i always want to be better, to help more instead of hurt, to love more instead of hate, to encourage instead of destroy... to bring life to those around me. this is what i desire more then anything.

i want to be that 'light' as christianese would call it. the one that can be happy through it all. never lose my funny. never lose the geek inside me. i'll always have that geek. its pretty evident.

anyway, i could sit here and write all night but i'm thinking i might take out some paint and cover up a few canvases i have around the house. its been a while... a long while and its time to make a mess. this used to happen to me all the time. i would begin painting at like midnight and by the time i finished i thought it was awesome and i loved it... then i wake up in the morning and see it and somehow the dim lighting must have made the paingint look amazing because in daylight... eeee... not so much. many a paintings have been covered up because of the midnight painting. tonight may be another one but still i feel the urge.

oh and ps. i'm thinking about you wash. alot lately. you mean alot to me and i'm super proud of you. (that makes me sound like a mom but i meant it in a friend kind of way ! hah) keep fighting. be who you want to be. you need to do what you feel inside is right to do, no matter what anyone else says. love you.

and fadie. word. your my superhero. have a fantastic lunch break. :)

*D*

the road is sparkling with diamonds

so it seems im on the "up" as i call it.
everything is glam
the air smells like roses and theres little fairies sprinkling fairy dust everywhere i walk.
i love waking up in the morning
not so much getting out of bed.
just waking up.

how did i make "the switch"

i call it a little medicinal shopping.
or maybe alot.

i wake up to the beautiful sight of a large black bag hanging off my closet door ... and i smile.
suddenly i can't wait to get out of bed to unzip the bag and gaze at its contents
somehow it makes getting out of bed a little easier
then theres the urge to take it out of the bag ... this i must resist for a whole 6 months.

oh god !

besides the dress, theres this amazing man.
yes i will write about him once again.
i will try not to fill this post with the regular sap us engaged folk do.
i swore i would never waste my time on cute little 'i love him so much' type blogs but there is this urge ... i will attempt to resist. simply put ... i'm in love and it really is fantastic !

so ive been doing alot of looking in the mirror lately.
not literally people.
figuratively.
examining myself. my flaws. my failures.
determining what makes me click.
what makes me happy.
where my time is best spent.

it sucked. but i learned some things about myself.
yes, more things to learn about ME. oh yay.

the biggest being... i don't let go.
i don't know how.
its like i missed that class in school
or that sermon in church
i don't let go of things people say
whether in anger or just simply because they are an ass
i can't seem to let go
even if they apologize. say they are sorry. say they didn't mean it.
still it sits in the corner of my mind
ready to jump out and remind me its still there.

so i'm on a journey.
i'm discovering i need to make a choice.
again... choices. damn them.

i'm chosing to forgive... at least i'm trying to.
this is that positive self talk i've heard so much about. :)

let it go D
let it go

the wierd thing is - i know how to let go of the positive comments really easy. its the negative ones that stick. anyway ...

let it go D
let it go

:)

the fears linger

the battle is never over.
the journey never complete.
i'm still here. fighting the battle.
it seems when you face your fears and decide to be the stronger of the two the battle gets tougher. the trials harder then they seemed before. the little thing taunt your mind. you question things that need not be questioned. you discover that this battle will always be a battle. and that choice i made, the one i wrote about earlier today... well life is filled with making hard choices. random choices. following your 'gut'.
yesterday i didn't think picking up that pen and paper would change so much inside me and bring me to a greater understanding of myself. all i knew was to pick up a pen and pick up a paper. so i did. today it was don't pick up the phone to make that call. don't give in. stay still. stay right where you are. some call it your 'gut' ... i call it the holy spirit or the God that lives inside me. when i follow its nudgings things are always clearer. its always a moments decision. something i want to do to let out my anger or to hide from my feelings or to wallow in my sorrows but somehow there is always that 'voice' inside me that tells me what the next step is.

tomorrow there will most likely be another one of these moments, maybe even another by the time the night is over. i think its Gods way of teaching me trust. i need to trust and i've been waiting for it to just be easy. for the trust to suddenly just be there again but i'm realizing it won't. i need to go through the hard stuff to learn to fully trust again. i need some healing in that area and healing is never easy. its a journey. and i'm on it. so tomorrow, if that moment comes, i will follow that 'voice'.

its the best way to live.

the going has been rough

it seems everything is just in place
just the way i want it to be
just the way i think it should be

i'm in love with an amazing man and hes in love with me
i have the best daughter a mom could ask for and she tells me everyday that she loves me too
i have a friend that i can count on to be a listening ear whenever i need with no judgements placed
i have a family that cares about me and friends i can laugh with and joke with and get a little crazy with.
i'm pretty blessed.

so why is it then that yesterday it felt like it all came crashing down on me. like the air was sucked out of my chest and my eyes could hold in the tears no longer. why is it then that i couldn't lift my head off the pillow. that all i wanted was for all the lights to be off and to be left alone in my slumber.

i peeled myself out of bed. spent a few minutes on the computer chatting with my trusty friend, wiped the tears and brought my daughter to daycare. and there it was before me. a whole day with nothing but myself. so much to accomplish. so many places to go. and so the tears haunted me again. i got in the car and it drove me home. back to my place of solitude. my place of safety. i walked in the house and my feet carried me to the couch. ahh... the tv. the thing that can numb your mind and pass the time without any pain. the one time i needed that numbing, it failed me. so i try to sleep. i succeed and awake. still so much time to pass. i try again. i succeed for a little bit more. waking with an even more bitter taste in my mouth then when i fell asleep the first time. i make a choice. i grab a pen and a notebook. i begin to write. nothing really making sense. nothing in proper format or titled the way it should be. just pages of random thoughts. random fears and failings, wants and needs. all in no order at all. hours pass.
finally i am done. the tears are drying up and i'm alone laying on the couch again. except this time the weight is a little lighter. the day is somehow looking a little bit brighter. and things are getting a little clearer.
i re-read what i wrote. the realisation sinks in. when written or not, everying in this little notebook boils down to me being afraid. afraid of failure. afraid of disappointment. afraid that somehow i really did fail the first time. afraid i will fail the second time.
the amazing thing about this realisation is that, you can't change what you don't acknowledge (yes, i watch Dr.Phil from time to time ! ) . once i put it in words. once i let what i've felt have a voice it gives me the ability to look at the facts and to face those fears and realize, they are just that "fears".
you can't fail if you don't try. sometimes i think that is my motto. as scary and embarrassing as that is. its the truth. but i realized something...
you can't succeed if you don't try either.
so heres to 'trying'
heres to not giving in
not giving up
i'm all in
when i'm 'all in' and the fears begin to get the best of me i will remind myself of that day. the day i spent in the dark. in my fears. letting them get the best of me. the day i almost let them overtake me. i am not that woman. i am stronger.

thank you God for this awakening. for your strength that you put inside me to overcome. to be bigger then these fears. thank you for making me exactly who i am. and for being proud of it. your love and your grace is more then i could ask for.

thank you baby for being there for me. even though you may not have known what to say or how to make it better or what it is i was going through. thank you for always believing in me. for thinking the best of me. i love you baby... more then you could ever know.

thank you katie for the inspiration to make it through that day. four simple words "is it your past ... ?" broke what needed to be broken in me. thank you for being you.

sometimes reality bites. not the reality of those around you. but the reality that we all have battles in our minds and at one point or another we feel like we are losing and that we will never be on the winning team again. yesterday i thought i lost but in actually fact i kicked some hellish ass.

"heres to kicking some hellish ass. Cheers!"