commitment all over the place
commitment to a pattern
commitment to a time
commitment to a place
commitment to shaw cable
commitment to evangel manor
commitment to bills
commitment to tattoos
commitment to the gym
commitment to pashminas
commitment to friends
commitment to shana
commitment to noel
commitment to God
commitment all over the place
some commitment is easy
some is scary
its all over the place.
i'm feeling it all.
weeeee
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
i need more help then you can give me
i don't know how
i don't know when
but i know i need more
doing it on my own just isn't cutting it
getting past this feeling is too much for me to handle
too much to control with out hurting the man i love
i sit there
my heart is pounding
i can feel the anger rising
and somehow i try to stop it
but i can't
i know in my head that soon i will say something
something i shouldn't
something that he doesn't deserve
but something i need to get out of my head
and i know at any moment i will hurt him
why?
because of the heart beating anger
i know everything is within your control
then why do i feel like this is so uncontrollable
its not his fault
i know that in my head
so why can't this feeling fucking GO AWAY.
ok, i'm better now.
thanks cyberspace.
ps. i read this over and damn i sound like a psyco.
its kind of one of those posts that you write and then delete.
except, here it is.
psyco me.
looove me
i don't know how
i don't know when
but i know i need more
doing it on my own just isn't cutting it
getting past this feeling is too much for me to handle
too much to control with out hurting the man i love
i sit there
my heart is pounding
i can feel the anger rising
and somehow i try to stop it
but i can't
i know in my head that soon i will say something
something i shouldn't
something that he doesn't deserve
but something i need to get out of my head
and i know at any moment i will hurt him
why?
because of the heart beating anger
i know everything is within your control
then why do i feel like this is so uncontrollable
its not his fault
i know that in my head
so why can't this feeling fucking GO AWAY.
ok, i'm better now.
thanks cyberspace.
ps. i read this over and damn i sound like a psyco.
its kind of one of those posts that you write and then delete.
except, here it is.
psyco me.
looove me
Friday, January 16, 2009
6:15am
thats the time i had to get my sorry ass out of bed this morning.
why?
because its a dog eat dog world out there.
right now they are begining to line up and i need to be first in line
its one of those days where today i can change the course of Shanas life as we know it.
yes. im registering her for school.
its a big day.
i had no idea it would be so intense.
i'm hoping she gets in.
the chances are not too great as i missed the beginning of registration by a week and a half.
again.
i had no idea.
i had three schools to pick from in my 'catchment area'. (oh yes, i know words i never knew existed from my hours on the internet and phone yesterday)
i had the lice school (A.S.Matheson)
the nothing good about that school (Raymer)
and the 'one of the best schools in town' school (Casorso)
so the decision (after discovering the new word 'catchment') was fairly simple.
i want the best for her. i'm a mom. quite clearly, i want the best. its only fair. the best for the best. hah.
so the only good thing i could think about to get me out of bed this morning...
CHEAT DAY.
so i started early.
lots of bacon.
nothing to start the day like good canadian bacon.
and the day is lookng promising.
heres my schedule (for those who care. hah)
dog eat dog, beat em down, casorso school
cute little daycare tucked in a corner at Evangel, of which i love
nails, nails, nails. pamper,pamper,pamper
meeting with a couple young girls who are looking for some advice, and well, some free stuff for their fundraiser for kids in Africa.
consultation for yet another wedding this summer. so yes, i must dress up, hide the tattoos, and look all professional. scam them. scam them good.
home sweet home. and there i will find my noel-eo waiting for me. excellent.
and at seven o'clock its the moment we've all been waiting for...
beer, appies, pool and good company.
can't wait you two.
see you then.
*D*
why?
because its a dog eat dog world out there.
right now they are begining to line up and i need to be first in line
its one of those days where today i can change the course of Shanas life as we know it.
yes. im registering her for school.
its a big day.
i had no idea it would be so intense.
i'm hoping she gets in.
the chances are not too great as i missed the beginning of registration by a week and a half.
again.
i had no idea.
i had three schools to pick from in my 'catchment area'. (oh yes, i know words i never knew existed from my hours on the internet and phone yesterday)
i had the lice school (A.S.Matheson)
the nothing good about that school (Raymer)
and the 'one of the best schools in town' school (Casorso)
so the decision (after discovering the new word 'catchment') was fairly simple.
i want the best for her. i'm a mom. quite clearly, i want the best. its only fair. the best for the best. hah.
so the only good thing i could think about to get me out of bed this morning...
CHEAT DAY.
so i started early.
lots of bacon.
nothing to start the day like good canadian bacon.
and the day is lookng promising.
heres my schedule (for those who care. hah)
dog eat dog, beat em down, casorso school
cute little daycare tucked in a corner at Evangel, of which i love
nails, nails, nails. pamper,pamper,pamper
meeting with a couple young girls who are looking for some advice, and well, some free stuff for their fundraiser for kids in Africa.
consultation for yet another wedding this summer. so yes, i must dress up, hide the tattoos, and look all professional. scam them. scam them good.
home sweet home. and there i will find my noel-eo waiting for me. excellent.
and at seven o'clock its the moment we've all been waiting for...
beer, appies, pool and good company.
can't wait you two.
see you then.
*D*
Friday, January 9, 2009
...
wow.
this is what life is all about.
become more of who you are.
being less and less afraid to let your colors show.
finding comfort in being in your own skin.
its a good feeling when you realize this is where you are heading.
its a good feeling to taste a little bit of this and know it will only get better.
you will only grow more.
*D*
this is what life is all about.
become more of who you are.
being less and less afraid to let your colors show.
finding comfort in being in your own skin.
its a good feeling when you realize this is where you are heading.
its a good feeling to taste a little bit of this and know it will only get better.
you will only grow more.
*D*
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
its a new year
so i've been asking people if they made a resolution.
so far :
"its too cheesy. i don't want to tell you"
and
"I can't say right now"
so i haven't made a resolution persay.
i have several things i want to do this year.
so heres the list
finish my peacock tattoo
add to my lotus and bird tattoo on the other arm
spend more time with my pen and my journal
get married to Noel
live happily everafter, which requires alot of work. hah.
master the trainer kite
cook more.
take a course.
cooking or photography.
maybe both.
while in canmore i bought a journal and spent the day alone, walking the streets, shopping and having lunch alone. i sat down and wrote down a few things. i narrowed some stuff down.
and what i figured out is my three greatest fears and from there spent time disecting them a little. and decided that my goal is to continue to improve in these areas. they are things that won't just change. things i can't just magically fix. its gonna be a journey. a hard one. but i've decided this is it. i'm fighting the fear of these three things in my life :
rejection
humiliation
failure
its a tough list for me and i easily deal with one or more of them on a daily basis. so this may not be a new years resolution, but a life commitment. where i sit now i can't see fully defeating any of these but i'm gonna fight them so i can be a better person, a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter and of course a better wife.
so thats that.
peace. word.
*D*
so far :
"its too cheesy. i don't want to tell you"
and
"I can't say right now"
so i haven't made a resolution persay.
i have several things i want to do this year.
so heres the list
finish my peacock tattoo
add to my lotus and bird tattoo on the other arm
spend more time with my pen and my journal
get married to Noel
live happily everafter, which requires alot of work. hah.
master the trainer kite
cook more.
take a course.
cooking or photography.
maybe both.
while in canmore i bought a journal and spent the day alone, walking the streets, shopping and having lunch alone. i sat down and wrote down a few things. i narrowed some stuff down.
and what i figured out is my three greatest fears and from there spent time disecting them a little. and decided that my goal is to continue to improve in these areas. they are things that won't just change. things i can't just magically fix. its gonna be a journey. a hard one. but i've decided this is it. i'm fighting the fear of these three things in my life :
rejection
humiliation
failure
its a tough list for me and i easily deal with one or more of them on a daily basis. so this may not be a new years resolution, but a life commitment. where i sit now i can't see fully defeating any of these but i'm gonna fight them so i can be a better person, a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter and of course a better wife.
so thats that.
peace. word.
*D*
Friday, December 12, 2008
its time to vent
people piss me off.
seriously.
the stupidity of their ignorance.
their total lack of common sense and intelligence.
their fear of not understanding something and turning their fear into distaste.
it makes me sick.
this utter disgust for people has come about through an expression of art known as tattooing.
we were each born into our own bodies.
we don't share with anyone else.
we aren't owned by anyone else.
we are our own person.
with our own opinions, our own perspective and our own free will.
i knew long before anyone else that i seemed to walk with a different stride.
so many times in life i feel like i've been walking against the flow of the religious bullshit i've been surrounded by. (i apologize if the language is a little rough but i just call it as i see it)
in the younger years it was visits to the office. not being sent there but marching in and making my point that some teacher was wrong. or something taught in bible class was against the very person of who God is.
as i got older, it began in the church. meetings with pastors for things that apparently "i didn't understand". me trying to get them to see that it was religion that was the foundation, not God. not love.
the older i get, the more it seems apparent to me.
i'm my own person.
Gods own creation.
unique in every way.
i fight against hate. against those who hate on what they don't understand.
the only thing is ... they don't understand.
as much as i want them to see what i see and feel what it is i feel... no amount of words can do that.
i'm ... as my baby so kindly puts it ... a "tattoo-head".
i love that.
not because it makes me a rebel, or puts in a different class then others but because right now, this is me ... and i'm wearing it on my sleeve.
believe it or not .. going against the grain is hard for me. i'm emotional. it hurts. but its who i am and the only thing that would hurt more ... is denying myself that right.
venting complete.
seriously.
the stupidity of their ignorance.
their total lack of common sense and intelligence.
their fear of not understanding something and turning their fear into distaste.
it makes me sick.
this utter disgust for people has come about through an expression of art known as tattooing.
we were each born into our own bodies.
we don't share with anyone else.
we aren't owned by anyone else.
we are our own person.
with our own opinions, our own perspective and our own free will.
i knew long before anyone else that i seemed to walk with a different stride.
so many times in life i feel like i've been walking against the flow of the religious bullshit i've been surrounded by. (i apologize if the language is a little rough but i just call it as i see it)
in the younger years it was visits to the office. not being sent there but marching in and making my point that some teacher was wrong. or something taught in bible class was against the very person of who God is.
as i got older, it began in the church. meetings with pastors for things that apparently "i didn't understand". me trying to get them to see that it was religion that was the foundation, not God. not love.
the older i get, the more it seems apparent to me.
i'm my own person.
Gods own creation.
unique in every way.
i fight against hate. against those who hate on what they don't understand.
the only thing is ... they don't understand.
as much as i want them to see what i see and feel what it is i feel... no amount of words can do that.
i'm ... as my baby so kindly puts it ... a "tattoo-head".
i love that.
not because it makes me a rebel, or puts in a different class then others but because right now, this is me ... and i'm wearing it on my sleeve.
believe it or not .. going against the grain is hard for me. i'm emotional. it hurts. but its who i am and the only thing that would hurt more ... is denying myself that right.
venting complete.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
sometimes
sometimes the best things in life are the hardest.
its been one of those days.
one of the 'tough' days where you dont really understand why it is you do what you do.
why it is you say what you say
why sometimes you feel like you can't control any of them.
its one of those moments where the only thing i can do is sit on the couch, write some nonsense and try to make some sense out of it. try to figure out what it is that is so hard and seemingly 'unattainable'.
its one of those 'beaten down' days. where your self talk is the thing you are fighting.
don't get me wrong i'm not all depressed and feeling like its the end of the world or anything. its just a daily battle that today i'm feeling a little tired to fight.
its been one of those days.
one of the 'tough' days where you dont really understand why it is you do what you do.
why it is you say what you say
why sometimes you feel like you can't control any of them.
its one of those moments where the only thing i can do is sit on the couch, write some nonsense and try to make some sense out of it. try to figure out what it is that is so hard and seemingly 'unattainable'.
its one of those 'beaten down' days. where your self talk is the thing you are fighting.
don't get me wrong i'm not all depressed and feeling like its the end of the world or anything. its just a daily battle that today i'm feeling a little tired to fight.
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