the going has been rough

it seems everything is just in place
just the way i want it to be
just the way i think it should be

i'm in love with an amazing man and hes in love with me
i have the best daughter a mom could ask for and she tells me everyday that she loves me too
i have a friend that i can count on to be a listening ear whenever i need with no judgements placed
i have a family that cares about me and friends i can laugh with and joke with and get a little crazy with.
i'm pretty blessed.

so why is it then that yesterday it felt like it all came crashing down on me. like the air was sucked out of my chest and my eyes could hold in the tears no longer. why is it then that i couldn't lift my head off the pillow. that all i wanted was for all the lights to be off and to be left alone in my slumber.

i peeled myself out of bed. spent a few minutes on the computer chatting with my trusty friend, wiped the tears and brought my daughter to daycare. and there it was before me. a whole day with nothing but myself. so much to accomplish. so many places to go. and so the tears haunted me again. i got in the car and it drove me home. back to my place of solitude. my place of safety. i walked in the house and my feet carried me to the couch. ahh... the tv. the thing that can numb your mind and pass the time without any pain. the one time i needed that numbing, it failed me. so i try to sleep. i succeed and awake. still so much time to pass. i try again. i succeed for a little bit more. waking with an even more bitter taste in my mouth then when i fell asleep the first time. i make a choice. i grab a pen and a notebook. i begin to write. nothing really making sense. nothing in proper format or titled the way it should be. just pages of random thoughts. random fears and failings, wants and needs. all in no order at all. hours pass.
finally i am done. the tears are drying up and i'm alone laying on the couch again. except this time the weight is a little lighter. the day is somehow looking a little bit brighter. and things are getting a little clearer.
i re-read what i wrote. the realisation sinks in. when written or not, everying in this little notebook boils down to me being afraid. afraid of failure. afraid of disappointment. afraid that somehow i really did fail the first time. afraid i will fail the second time.
the amazing thing about this realisation is that, you can't change what you don't acknowledge (yes, i watch Dr.Phil from time to time ! ) . once i put it in words. once i let what i've felt have a voice it gives me the ability to look at the facts and to face those fears and realize, they are just that "fears".
you can't fail if you don't try. sometimes i think that is my motto. as scary and embarrassing as that is. its the truth. but i realized something...
you can't succeed if you don't try either.
so heres to 'trying'
heres to not giving in
not giving up
i'm all in
when i'm 'all in' and the fears begin to get the best of me i will remind myself of that day. the day i spent in the dark. in my fears. letting them get the best of me. the day i almost let them overtake me. i am not that woman. i am stronger.

thank you God for this awakening. for your strength that you put inside me to overcome. to be bigger then these fears. thank you for making me exactly who i am. and for being proud of it. your love and your grace is more then i could ask for.

thank you baby for being there for me. even though you may not have known what to say or how to make it better or what it is i was going through. thank you for always believing in me. for thinking the best of me. i love you baby... more then you could ever know.

thank you katie for the inspiration to make it through that day. four simple words "is it your past ... ?" broke what needed to be broken in me. thank you for being you.

sometimes reality bites. not the reality of those around you. but the reality that we all have battles in our minds and at one point or another we feel like we are losing and that we will never be on the winning team again. yesterday i thought i lost but in actually fact i kicked some hellish ass.

"heres to kicking some hellish ass. Cheers!"