the fears linger

the battle is never over.
the journey never complete.
i'm still here. fighting the battle.
it seems when you face your fears and decide to be the stronger of the two the battle gets tougher. the trials harder then they seemed before. the little thing taunt your mind. you question things that need not be questioned. you discover that this battle will always be a battle. and that choice i made, the one i wrote about earlier today... well life is filled with making hard choices. random choices. following your 'gut'.
yesterday i didn't think picking up that pen and paper would change so much inside me and bring me to a greater understanding of myself. all i knew was to pick up a pen and pick up a paper. so i did. today it was don't pick up the phone to make that call. don't give in. stay still. stay right where you are. some call it your 'gut' ... i call it the holy spirit or the God that lives inside me. when i follow its nudgings things are always clearer. its always a moments decision. something i want to do to let out my anger or to hide from my feelings or to wallow in my sorrows but somehow there is always that 'voice' inside me that tells me what the next step is.

tomorrow there will most likely be another one of these moments, maybe even another by the time the night is over. i think its Gods way of teaching me trust. i need to trust and i've been waiting for it to just be easy. for the trust to suddenly just be there again but i'm realizing it won't. i need to go through the hard stuff to learn to fully trust again. i need some healing in that area and healing is never easy. its a journey. and i'm on it. so tomorrow, if that moment comes, i will follow that 'voice'.

its the best way to live.