the journey of the soul

so the title sounds like this would be a very 'deep' sort of post.
not so much.
its late... ish ... for a mom...
and as usual i have many thoughts running through my head.

it seems thats how it goes with me. throughout the day i hardly think past my nose but at night i get all intense and contemplative.

so... its night time !

time to share my deepest thoughts. HAH.

there are some things i've admitted to noel lately that have been hard things to acknowledge but i did it and somehow it opened up a whole new level of 'me'.

its this thing called realizing you just could be wrong and the other person just could be right.

so here it goes. my time to admit a few things and let them wonder cyberspace.

i pretty much always think i'm right. i always have. i think i have it all figured out and the world just kind of needs to 'catch up' to me. wow, i sound like a prick. bad choice of words but oh well.

when i have a disagreement i will argue my point to the very end. even if it means pushing away the people or person i love because i AM right and they are ultimately wrong. no matter what. they just may not see it yet. but thats why God put me on this earth, right !?!... so they will see that i know what is best... all the time. ouch. i'm a biatch sometimes.

anyway, its a hard thing to realize that this is how you have lived your life for the most part. thinking that you are always right. its a hard thing to acknowledge for two reasons.
one it makes me look at myself as a self righteous pain in the ass
and two its a hard thing to change

oh and ps. it runs in my family ... HAH

so i'm growing. thats the part about this that is amazing. i'm not the same. each day i'm trying a little harder. doing things a little different. thinking things through a little more.

i won't stay the same for long... ever. because i always want to be better, to help more instead of hurt, to love more instead of hate, to encourage instead of destroy... to bring life to those around me. this is what i desire more then anything.

i want to be that 'light' as christianese would call it. the one that can be happy through it all. never lose my funny. never lose the geek inside me. i'll always have that geek. its pretty evident.

anyway, i could sit here and write all night but i'm thinking i might take out some paint and cover up a few canvases i have around the house. its been a while... a long while and its time to make a mess. this used to happen to me all the time. i would begin painting at like midnight and by the time i finished i thought it was awesome and i loved it... then i wake up in the morning and see it and somehow the dim lighting must have made the paingint look amazing because in daylight... eeee... not so much. many a paintings have been covered up because of the midnight painting. tonight may be another one but still i feel the urge.

oh and ps. i'm thinking about you wash. alot lately. you mean alot to me and i'm super proud of you. (that makes me sound like a mom but i meant it in a friend kind of way ! hah) keep fighting. be who you want to be. you need to do what you feel inside is right to do, no matter what anyone else says. love you.

and fadie. word. your my superhero. have a fantastic lunch break. :)

*D*