quote of the year

" be who you are and
say what you feel because
those who matter don't mind and
those who mind don't matter "

yeah, awesome.

i stole it from a friends facebook while i was facebook stalking.

lets talk wedding

we're down to 93 days.
its coming fast

so heres the lowdown

the 32 foot long runner needs to be sewn
theres actually two of them
15 more favors to go
name cards to be designed and made
ceiling drape to be sewn
monogram to be painted
ribbon to be found
candles to be bought
measurements to be made
fabric to be sewn
rentals to be ordered
chairs to be covered
sound equiptment to be rented
menu to be decided
deposits to be made
marriage certificate to be gotten
pictures to be taken
accessorries to be found
invites to be mailed out

to name a few.
this is what keeps me up at night.

and why in the summer i never sleep.

for you katie

16 random things about me:

1. I cry about everything
2. If I don't have a certain kind of cereal in the morning I feel like it throws my whole day off
3. I really like canned beans with applesauce on top
4. I love the feeling of needles poking into my skin over and over and over again
5. I have very large/wide feet of which I wish I could cut in half
6. I wait for Thursday night to come so I can see if Denny will just DIE already
7. I get really bitchy when I've been cold for more then 5 minutes
8. I don't like it when people turn on their "heater" as soon as they start the care... thats COLD air, NOT warm
9. I wish I had more hair, almost everyday I wish this
10. I want more books so they can sit on the shelf and I can look like someone who reads... but really I want books with all pictures
11. I talk alot. Sometimes I listen to myslelf and think, 'Shut up already'
12. There are things I do that remind me of my mom and it freaks the crap out of me
13. I love my mom
14. I love to paint... if it turns out good. If it doesn't, it depresses me and I don't stop thinking about it until I paint over it
15. I think about getting married everyday
16. I love basmati rice

The end.

today

i had one of the best days of my life.
yes, yes i did.
and i never even left kelowna.

shana and i shopped all day for the perfect little flower girl dress.
it was amazing.
there were some really ugly ones ... that of course she loved
the more tacky the better in her eyes
the brighter the color the more she loved it
she become accustomed to asking the owners to put the one she 'loved' at the back of the store so no one else would see them and buy them
i loved seeing her face
walking out of the change room
in the 360 mirror
spinning around
saying 'i love it mommy, i love it !!!'
"they are all so beautiful. How will we ever decide?"
shes too cute for words.
or as one of the women said
'wow, that little one of yours is full of personality isn't she'
oh yes she is.

so after finding the cutest flower girl dress in all of kelowna
she tells me we need to call all the other stores and tell them that we aren't going to buy their dresses anymore so they can take them out from the back.

i love my little girl.
she turned an average day into something amazing just by being her.

commitment

commitment all over the place

commitment to a pattern
commitment to a time
commitment to a place
commitment to shaw cable
commitment to evangel manor
commitment to bills
commitment to tattoos
commitment to the gym
commitment to pashminas
commitment to friends

commitment to shana
commitment to noel

commitment to God

commitment all over the place

some commitment is easy
some is scary

its all over the place.
i'm feeling it all.

weeeee

i need more help then you can give me

i don't know how
i don't know when
but i know i need more

doing it on my own just isn't cutting it
getting past this feeling is too much for me to handle
too much to control with out hurting the man i love

i sit there
my heart is pounding
i can feel the anger rising
and somehow i try to stop it
but i can't
i know in my head that soon i will say something
something i shouldn't
something that he doesn't deserve
but something i need to get out of my head
and i know at any moment i will hurt him
why?

because of the heart beating anger
i know everything is within your control
then why do i feel like this is so uncontrollable

its not his fault
i know that in my head
so why can't this feeling fucking GO AWAY.

ok, i'm better now.
thanks cyberspace.

ps. i read this over and damn i sound like a psyco.
its kind of one of those posts that you write and then delete.
except, here it is.
psyco me.

looove me

6:15am

thats the time i had to get my sorry ass out of bed this morning.

why?

because its a dog eat dog world out there.
right now they are begining to line up and i need to be first in line
its one of those days where today i can change the course of Shanas life as we know it.

yes. im registering her for school.

its a big day.
i had no idea it would be so intense.

i'm hoping she gets in.
the chances are not too great as i missed the beginning of registration by a week and a half.
again.
i had no idea.

i had three schools to pick from in my 'catchment area'. (oh yes, i know words i never knew existed from my hours on the internet and phone yesterday)

i had the lice school (A.S.Matheson)
the nothing good about that school (Raymer)
and the 'one of the best schools in town' school (Casorso)

so the decision (after discovering the new word 'catchment') was fairly simple.

i want the best for her. i'm a mom. quite clearly, i want the best. its only fair. the best for the best. hah.

so the only good thing i could think about to get me out of bed this morning...

CHEAT DAY.
so i started early.
lots of bacon.
nothing to start the day like good canadian bacon.

and the day is lookng promising.

heres my schedule (for those who care. hah)

dog eat dog, beat em down, casorso school
cute little daycare tucked in a corner at Evangel, of which i love
nails, nails, nails. pamper,pamper,pamper
meeting with a couple young girls who are looking for some advice, and well, some free stuff for their fundraiser for kids in Africa.
consultation for yet another wedding this summer. so yes, i must dress up, hide the tattoos, and look all professional. scam them. scam them good.
home sweet home. and there i will find my noel-eo waiting for me. excellent.
and at seven o'clock its the moment we've all been waiting for...

beer, appies, pool and good company.
can't wait you two.

see you then.

*D*

...

wow.
this is what life is all about.
become more of who you are.
being less and less afraid to let your colors show.
finding comfort in being in your own skin.

its a good feeling when you realize this is where you are heading.
its a good feeling to taste a little bit of this and know it will only get better.

you will only grow more.

*D*

its a new year

so i've been asking people if they made a resolution.
so far :

"its too cheesy. i don't want to tell you"
and
"I can't say right now"

so i haven't made a resolution persay.
i have several things i want to do this year.
so heres the list

finish my peacock tattoo
add to my lotus and bird tattoo on the other arm

spend more time with my pen and my journal

get married to Noel
live happily everafter, which requires alot of work. hah.

master the trainer kite

cook more.

take a course.
cooking or photography.
maybe both.

while in canmore i bought a journal and spent the day alone, walking the streets, shopping and having lunch alone. i sat down and wrote down a few things. i narrowed some stuff down.
and what i figured out is my three greatest fears and from there spent time disecting them a little. and decided that my goal is to continue to improve in these areas. they are things that won't just change. things i can't just magically fix. its gonna be a journey. a hard one. but i've decided this is it. i'm fighting the fear of these three things in my life :

rejection
humiliation
failure

its a tough list for me and i easily deal with one or more of them on a daily basis. so this may not be a new years resolution, but a life commitment. where i sit now i can't see fully defeating any of these but i'm gonna fight them so i can be a better person, a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter and of course a better wife.

so thats that.

peace. word.

*D*